Diversity / Flexibility
Everything remains different: How to reconcile a rainbow family and a career
A same-sex relationship with a child and a career - Lea told us in an interview whether this is sometimes too "different" for Switzerland.
Diversity / Flexibility
A same-sex relationship with a child and a career - Lea told us in an interview whether this is sometimes too "different" for Switzerland.
Lea* works in middle management at Swisscom. Her partner works in an American company - also in management. Both work 100%, come from abroad and recently became parents. A same-sex relationship with a child and a career - Lea told us in an interview whether this is sometimes too "different" for Switzerland.
To be honest: almost everything. When you have your first child, you want to do a good job and you don't really know exactly what that "good job" is.
The first thing that has certainly changed is our priorities. Before the birth, we enjoyed travelling, going to restaurants and the cinema. Now our daughter takes up this free time.
We both worked a lot and always enjoyed it, and we both hold management positions. The work part is the area of our lives that has changed the least.
But the two of us have become different. Our relationship has changed, we have to coordinate more closely. However, there is now also a lot more laughter and joy in this relationship, not just to mention the challenging aspects, but also the positive ones.
I thought it would be really easy, but to be honest I didn't worry too much or think about it in advance. But now I can confirm it: Life with a baby is just as everyone said it would be - tough. And different from before.
In our circle of friends and acquaintances, it tends to be the case that children from the age of four months are looked after full-time in daycare centres. We also have full-day nurseries and schools here in French-speaking Switzerland. However, we do things differently to our friends: We want our daughter to stay at home for a year until she is better able to communicate and move around.
We sat down together and thought about it: What options do we have? When should our daughter go to daycare? How do we do it? And then we started doing the maths: My partner still had holiday surplus, I in turn received four weeks of paternity leave from Swisscom, or in my case parental leave. I also took more holiday, my partner took some more and our parents helped out with the rest, taking it in turns to travel to Switzerland - that's how we manage it. I also have a two-month sabbatical coming up and then our parents will be back. They are very happy to be able to spend time with our daughter and they do it very well, so we are always fully relieved.
We are currently working out whether we will both still be working 100% when our daughter starts nursery. We go with the flow.
Sometimes we feel the expectation that my partner or I should reduce significantly. Instead of being asked "How do you do it?", we are more likely to hear: "Who is reducing the workload now that the child is here?". It's obvious that "you" have to cut back. And in heterosexual relationships, it's usually the woman who has to stay at home more. If it works for everyone involved, that's wonderful, and I have a lot of respect for traditions myself. In our home country, it is also the case that the woman stays at home with the child for three years. For me personally, it's important to be and remain open - and that we don't constantly have expectations of others.
Both Swisscom and my partner's employer were very generous. I myself have a lot of options from Swisscom - from more parental leave to more flexibility in terms of working hours. I can organise things in a way that works for me and my family. My partner's employer doesn't offer as much flexibility - they expect everyone to work 100%. But she had 18 weeks of maternity leave and they offer 16 weeks (!) of paternity leave.
To be honest: We are both very grateful, but there is always room for improvement. If we didn't have our parents to support us, it wouldn't be possible for us to keep our daughter at home for the first year. Most companies make sure that the first few months are covered. However, parental leave, while it lasts, is not enough. What happens after the first six months? That's not the employer's job per se. And yet they can provide support. After all, it's also in the company's interest that parents are relieved and can focus. But as I said, my employer is really exemplary here.
The reaction to us is always: "Ah, how nice for the child, two mums!". Homosexual men are clearly at a disadvantage in the whole process. It is of course biologically more difficult to have a child. In addition, there are more prejudices that they can look after and bring up the child properly. That's not true, of course. And yet it is (still) the case. In business, too: men have to fight more for longer paternity leave or part-time work than women.
We don't have any ingrained male-female role patterns in our relationship. How do we and will we ensure equality? By looking closely at the situation at hand. Who has what opportunities? What do our employers offer? Where are we in our careers? For whom does it make sense to downsize? What are the opportunities that are missed if someone downsizes, etc.?
Of course it makes financial sense for the person who earns less to cut back more, because the impact on the family budget is smaller. Nevertheless, I recommend staying fair. 50/50 is advisable, otherwise there will be an imbalance. It doesn't have to be 50%, you could both work 80% or both 70%. In the end, it just has to be right for each family. It's good if we have the option of different models.
Everyone around us is actually a working mum. People ask me: How do you do it? Who stays at home? There is no expectation that this is the woman, as we are both women.
The changeover from the strict working day and what happens at home. I need a few minutes each time to clear my head.
I used to be able to work late at night and at weekends if I couldn't finish. That was rarely possible in the first few months since our daughter arrived. But my workload and my expectations of myself haven't changed and I have to plan my day more efficiently at the moment.
And the nights... Our daughter sleeps so badly, she wakes up up to eight times. We divide up the nights, I take over every other night.
I don't have any rights to our daughter at the moment - I'm not legally her parent. According to Swiss law, I have to adopt her, and I'm only allowed to do this once I've lived with the child for a year. There is a loophole in the law here, which of course harbours risks. If something happens to my partner, or if our daughter falls ill and has to go to hospital - I have no rights and it also makes me feel insecure.
She should have fun in and with this life and go through life with a positive outlook. Because life itself and society are sometimes hard, with all the wars and aggression, with human rights being trampled on in many places. I hope that my daughter can use her abilities to bring about change. I want her to have the courage to initiate things.
*The name has been changed by the editors.
This article was written by Tadah(opens in new tab).
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